The Crotchety Bastard: The Decline Of Western Civilization Part 1

When one thinks about signs of the apocalypse, I'm sure for the most part people check off all of the gimmes from the list. You know the ones...war, pestilence, plagues, blood raining from the skies. You know, the usual laundry list of grim maladies that will descend upon the planet. That's all well and good, but what about the erosion of everyday good sense and taste? Who is keeping tabs on the crumbling standards which signal a far more imminent and insidious terror which will keep reasonable and rational men, women and children up at paralyzed in fear as we shamefully spiral in a tailspin of ill advised entertainment and social chicanery? Who stands on the wall watching with steamed up glasses for the cultural apocalypse?

The Crotchety Bastard, that's who!

That's right, this week I'm going to do what I do best, and find several piddling little boils on the ass of society and lance them before they grow into the raw, festering sores that they have all of the potential to be. Ladies and gentlemen, this week I will give you just a small sampling of a few of the numbskulls, wankers, and bloody awful trends that I see as contributing in some small way to the decline of Western civilization from my view here at the bottom.

Sign of The Cultural Apocalypse #1: Blue Collar Comedy

A wise man once said that 50,000 Elvis fans can't be wrong. I always assumed that the central gist of this particular conceit was that since Elvis had such a huge following it proved that he was a figure worthy of praise and that therefore this was an inarguable fact.

Unfortunately, the substitutive properties of "The Elvis Axiom" do not apply or hold true to all forms of popular entertainment. Case in point, thousands of individuals around the country find themselves held at rapt attention by a group of Kentucky Fried malcontents whose major claim to fame involves celebrating a demographic whose cultural touchstones seem to include boorish behavior, social ineptitude, flatulence, and gravy. The core group in question is apparently made up of Bill Engvall, Jeff Foxworthy, Larry The Cable Guy, and Ron White. White and Engvall seem to be the less well known of the group, which means that their schtick must at least be innocuous enough that they actually attempt jokes rather than using a ludicrous catch phrase as a diamond studded crutch to hold up their acts. But I'll get to Mr. Foxworthy and Mr. The Cable Guy in a moment.

This troupe of intrepid "comedians" tour the country under the moniker "Blue Collar Comedy", which I find more than a little shocking. I have to believe that there is a large segment of the population working actual blue collar jobs that would be quite insulted to have their good names besmirched by this ludicrous affront to the common man. Blue Collar Comedy is really nothing more than a twenty-first century minstrel show, little more than a post-modern twist on a historically embarrassing formula only this time in white face, as though we're watching Amos n' Andy as performed on Bizarro World, only now instead of Amos n' Andy, we have Cletus and Jethro.

The other irony is that unlike the aforementioned shows, Blue Collar Comedy achieves the unthinkable in that in addition to perpetuating the most unsavory aspects of a particular subculture(the "redneck"), it is most often peddled to the people who pay money for these records and concerts who are the very subculture who are being mocked in the first place. One would think that this would be insulting, but apparently not. It seems audiences are sopping up this absurd character assasination with a biscuit.

Take Jeff Foxworthy for example. Here is a perfect example of a man who made his career by making one formulaic joke at his core audience's expense, and rose to glory like a Pontiac Phoenix rising from the ashes to be placed on cinder blocks in someone's front yard. It is thanks to this man that we will forever be forced to endure the phrase, "If...(Insert incest/bad education/bad personal hygiene/fishing/pickup/Southern Fried miscellany here), you might be a redneck!"

Really? Fascinating. There are arguments to be made, I'm sure, that since he comes from that background, it's really more a gentle self-deprecating humor and one that he can get away with, because he's from that background. I can acknowledge this to be true to a certain degree. What keeps me from completely buying this scenario, however, is the fact that in any of the concert footage I've seen, the people are pointing at each other as if to say, "Hey, remember when you did that?!" This is not the mark of an audience looking nostalgically back on the foibles of their upbringing. These are people who are wistfully remembering events from last week.


"If you tell...the same joke over n' over...you might be a hack!"

As seemingly idiotic as most of the Cracker Collective is, there is one member than makes the rest of them look like they're on the shortlist for the Nobel Prize in Literature. The man in question calls himself Larry the Cable Guy, and he fully embodies exactly what is wrong with this kind of humor. Outfitted in sleeveless flannel, Larry galavants around with a caricatured drawl so egregiously "down home", it can only be the result of hours spent with a vocal coach in an attempt to inject just the right amount of "never graduated the eighth grade" into it. In addition to his grating yokel vocals, he, much like cohort Jeff Foxworthy, realized that a comedian cannot reach his most annoying potential unless he coins a catch phrase. Now it occurs to me that Larry is obviously a very busy guy. Between most likely drinking Busch, chewing Skoal, and pondering new and novel ways to somehow incorporate the crack of his ass into a humorous situation, Larry The Cable guy can't be bothered to come up with a catch phrase which uses words that are completely spelled out or correctly for that matter. No sir, a jet setting funnyman such as Mr. The Cable Guy doesn't have time for such nonsense, which is why he coined a catchphrase which really captures his lifestyle.

"Git-R-Done!"

Git-R-Done indeed. This is a catch phrase that says to me, "I'm an ambitious man about town. I know what I want, and I have no time for frivolity. Let's make some deals! Let us be dilligent in our life's pursuits and make things happen!". Or it could mean, "I'm a mentally feeble middle aged man without shame, who will resort to just about anything to make a boatload of cash, even if it's at the expense of what little integrity I have left." But more than likely, what it means is, "Huh huh! Being ig'nant and spellin' bad is funny makin'!". Yep, I think we have a winner.


Git-M-Kikd-N-Da-Testes

From looking at his bio, one can immediately see what a special kind of man Larry is. Under "Favorite Food" he writes, "Anything with gravy and gummy boobs". Seldom has so much been said with so few words. I had to assume that Mr. The Cable Guy had so much more to offer though, so I had to see what kind of gems stud his act. Incidentally, here was an interesting quote from one of his acts, which I thankfully only had to read from David Cross' brilliant rebuttal to some rather weak comments Larry wrote, rather than witnessing them for myself.

In re: Abu Ghraib he said the following:

"Let me ask some of these commie rag head carpet flying wicker basket on the head balancing scumbags something!"

Ha ha ha! Good stuff. Because we all know that when all else fails, nothing bowls over an good old God fearing, red blooded Amr'can audience like good old fashioned racism! Tee hee!

One of the great mysteries of our time which I am futily trying to get my brain around at the moment, is how this classless jackass managed to somehow convince someone that he should be allowed to have a starring role in a film. I imagine there is some sort of Faustian bargain involved, and unfortunately the people who are paying the price are the general public who have been subjected in any way, shape, or form to any marketing related to the film. I had the personal misfortune of watching the commercial for the film. I nearly cried. Not because the visuals of our plucky protagonist wearing a Carmen Miranda outfit were so poignant, and not because I was laughing at a scene in which he asks his straight laced partner, "Ever fart so hard your back cracked?", but because some poor bastard with a decent idea and great script is not getting his shot, so that someone out there can celebrate this kind of rampant buffoonery.


The Citizen Kane of Simpleton Films

I'm sure some of you are saying, "Hey Crotchety Bastard! Have you even seen Larry The Cable Guy: Undercover Health Inspector? How can you talk all that shit if you haven't seen it?"

Fair enough. I admit I have not watched the cinematic opus Larry The Cable Guy: Undercover Health Inspector. Then again, I've never rolled naked in broken glass and then done a Flashdance style striptease where they dump gallons of rubbing alcohol on me, but I'm not really in a big hurry to do that, either. Though come to think of it, when placed side by side against seeing Larry The Cable Guy's film, door number two sounds marginally more enjoyable.

I have, however, spoken to people who have seen it, whose names and identities I will withold for their own good. These sources have disclosed to me that most of the humor of the film hinges on little people, nearly seeing Larry's anus multiple times, and various and sundry references to flatulating or having uncontrolled body functions at inopportune times. It's good to know that Larry is comfortable enough with his act that he doesn't feel the need to reinvent the wheel here.

In the end, there is a good and a bad side to Blue Collar Comedy. The good side is that it gives a voice to a demographic that makes up a sizable portion of these United States. The bad side, however, is that it means we have this particular demographic making up a sizable portion of these United States.